Tonight at work I was fantasizing again about quitting my job and staying home and stitching.
Sometimes I honestly feel I would rather live on beans and go bankrupt than stay at this lousy job. Actually, it's not so much the lousy job as the lousy people.
An awful thing to say, I know. I wrote about my job struggles in another post, but sadly they continue. These past few weeks I have really learned to identify the people who are the friendlies, sorting them out among the uns. The friendlies are definitely the short list.
Having an undeserved target on your back has got to be one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. It's always in the back of your mind..."What on earth did I do to deserve this?" The result is I'm constantly in a state of trying to avoid falling into the abyss while looking over my shoulder waiting to see who's ready to sling the next arrow. Turns out it was my boss!
I've watched her abuse a few other employees in the past, always wondering when it would be my turn. It seems I didn't have to wait long. Her fabrications of wrongs are truly astounding. Juvenile, but astounding.
So, I wonder. Do I have some sort of fatal flaw, something in my chemical makeup that predisposes me to this kind of treatment? I'm the proverbial bald chicken in the hen house, the one that has been pecked and plucked practically to death. I feel ugly and exposed. The ultimate loner. My emotions fluctuate between anger and frustration. I walk a tightrope between retaliation and resignation.
I keep having flashes of my childhood, of not getting along with people and people just seeming not to like me, starting with my own brother. Am I wearing a scarlet letter?
I do know people at work are intrigued by my embroidery and bead work. They stop to look and comment. I hear lots of "I could never do that" and "you're so creative and talented." I have a job with a lot of downtime some nights, between checking in patients and answering the phone. I'm allowed to read, write or stitch when we're not busy. And so I do. I stitch away.
I've been told before my demeanor is intimidating, my intelligence is intimidating, my abilities in arts and crafts and writing are intimidating, my self confidence is intimidating, etc... Do I wreak of intimidation? It's true, I don't need to be surrounded by people like some do. I am by nature independent and a free thinker. But I've tried to get to know people. I've been friendly and inquisitive. I've tried my darnedest to do a good job. However, now I feel spoiled on the whole thing.
A few of the unfriendlies have warmed up to me lately, which is certainly a surprise to me. What I find, though, is that after an entire year of cold shoulders their consessions are too little way too late.
I'm about to start a new venture in the hospital, that of massage therapist for their health and exercise department. I really want to transition into this new job where I'll be working with both employees and the public. But I'm worried the haters will try to ruin it for me, somehow mess it up and prevent me from moving on. However, I realize I can do nothing to stop them and I must keep moving on. Praying and moving on...and stitching.
Tonight at work I put some finishing touches on a cq Christmas cracker. All that's left is to tie on some ribbon. I also finished the stiching on a very small ornament made from a scrap of cq fabric, the same as the cracker piece. I tried a stich I saw on one of Sharon B's crazy quilt patches. It's a kind of continuous running bullion stitch. I love it. Hers is made out of variegated thread and so is mine, but she zigzagged her stitches whereas I went in a straight line. I like hers better, of course, and want to try it again with a stiffer or thicker thread.
In the center I made three star or snowflake type shapes using lazy daisies in gold buttonhole twist. Then I filled each "petal" with a bullion stitch using the same thread for the running bullion stitch. I really like the way it looks and how the bullion flowers/snowflakes/stars - whatever they are! - stand up off the fabric. This little two-inch tall ornament was originally going to be a two-sided diamond shape, but instead I'm going to lay it out flat, put a matching fabric backing on it and edge it in trim. I also want to make some tiny tassels for the points.
The fabric is a mottled gray/lavender with a shiny green snowflake-like print - very unusual and hard to describe. (I've had this fabric for 13 years! I bought it when I worked at Hancock Fabrics and purchased quite a few yards of it. Its first life was as curtains, but I still have some scraps left!) The variegated thread is burgandy, green, purple and cream. Adding the tassels reminds me of the bedouin and Mongolian camels adorned with those fabulous strings of colorful tassels.
If I have time, I'd like to try some inchies and maybe give them away for Christmas. I could turn them into ornaments or decorative pins. They might make sweet little gifts.
Ah, the beauty of creativity. The estrangement I found in my own family led me to it in the first place. The same is true today. Enmeshed in a project I forget all about my troubles, just as I've done right now.
I'll try to add some photos soon.