The Henpecked Stitcher...
Tonight at work I was fantasizing again about quitting my job and staying home and stitching.
Sometimes I honestly feel I would rather live on beans and go bankrupt than stay at this lousy job. Actually, it's not so much the lousy job as the lousy people.
An awful thing to say, I know. I wrote about my job struggles in another post, but sadly they continue. These past few weeks I have really learned to identify the people who are the friendlies, sorting them out among the uns. The friendlies are definitely the short list.
Having an undeserved target on your back has got to be one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. It's always in the back of your mind..."What on earth did I do to deserve this?" The result is I'm constantly in a state of trying to avoid falling into the abyss while looking over my shoulder waiting to see who's ready to sling the next arrow. Turns out it was my boss!
I've watched her abuse a few other employees in the past, always wondering when it would be my turn. It seems I didn't have to wait long. Her fabrications of wrongs are truly astounding. Juvenile, but astounding.
So, I wonder. Do I have some sort of fatal flaw, something in my chemical makeup that predisposes me to this kind of treatment? I'm the proverbial bald chicken in the hen house, the one that has been pecked and plucked practically to death. I feel ugly and exposed. The ultimate loner. My emotions fluctuate between anger and frustration. I walk a tightrope between retaliation and resignation.
I keep having flashes of my childhood, of not getting along with people and people just seeming not to like me, starting with my own brother. Am I wearing a scarlet letter?
I do know people at work are intrigued by my embroidery and bead work. They stop to look and comment. I hear lots of "I could never do that" and "you're so creative and talented." I have a job with a lot of downtime some nights, between checking in patients and answering the phone. I'm allowed to read, write or stitch when we're not busy. And so I do. I stitch away.
I've been told before my demeanor is intimidating, my intelligence is intimidating, my abilities in arts and crafts and writing are intimidating, my self confidence is intimidating, etc... Do I wreak of intimidation? It's true, I don't need to be surrounded by people like some do. I am by nature independent and a free thinker. But I've tried to get to know people. I've been friendly and inquisitive. I've tried my darnedest to do a good job. However, now I feel spoiled on the whole thing.
A few of the unfriendlies have warmed up to me lately, which is certainly a surprise to me. What I find, though, is that after an entire year of cold shoulders their consessions are too little way too late.
I'm about to start a new venture in the hospital, that of massage therapist for their health and exercise department. I really want to transition into this new job where I'll be working with both employees and the public. But I'm worried the haters will try to ruin it for me, somehow mess it up and prevent me from moving on. However, I realize I can do nothing to stop them and I must keep moving on. Praying and moving on...and stitching.
Tonight at work I put some finishing touches on a cq Christmas cracker. All that's left is to tie on some ribbon. I also finished the stiching on a very small ornament made from a scrap of cq fabric, the same as the cracker piece. I tried a stich I saw on one of Sharon B's crazy quilt patches. It's a kind of continuous running bullion stitch. I love it. Hers is made out of variegated thread and so is mine, but she zigzagged her stitches whereas I went in a straight line. I like hers better, of course, and want to try it again with a stiffer or thicker thread.
In the center I made three star or snowflake type shapes using lazy daisies in gold buttonhole twist. Then I filled each "petal" with a bullion stitch using the same thread for the running bullion stitch. I really like the way it looks and how the bullion flowers/snowflakes/stars - whatever they are! - stand up off the fabric. This little two-inch tall ornament was originally going to be a two-sided diamond shape, but instead I'm going to lay it out flat, put a matching fabric backing on it and edge it in trim. I also want to make some tiny tassels for the points.
The fabric is a mottled gray/lavender with a shiny green snowflake-like print - very unusual and hard to describe. (I've had this fabric for 13 years! I bought it when I worked at Hancock Fabrics and purchased quite a few yards of it. Its first life was as curtains, but I still have some scraps left!) The variegated thread is burgandy, green, purple and cream. Adding the tassels reminds me of the bedouin and Mongolian camels adorned with those fabulous strings of colorful tassels.
If I have time, I'd like to try some inchies and maybe give them away for Christmas. I could turn them into ornaments or decorative pins. They might make sweet little gifts.
Ah, the beauty of creativity. The estrangement I found in my own family led me to it in the first place. The same is true today. Enmeshed in a project I forget all about my troubles, just as I've done right now.
I'll try to add some photos soon.
Sometimes I honestly feel I would rather live on beans and go bankrupt than stay at this lousy job. Actually, it's not so much the lousy job as the lousy people.
An awful thing to say, I know. I wrote about my job struggles in another post, but sadly they continue. These past few weeks I have really learned to identify the people who are the friendlies, sorting them out among the uns. The friendlies are definitely the short list.
Having an undeserved target on your back has got to be one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. It's always in the back of your mind..."What on earth did I do to deserve this?" The result is I'm constantly in a state of trying to avoid falling into the abyss while looking over my shoulder waiting to see who's ready to sling the next arrow. Turns out it was my boss!
I've watched her abuse a few other employees in the past, always wondering when it would be my turn. It seems I didn't have to wait long. Her fabrications of wrongs are truly astounding. Juvenile, but astounding.
So, I wonder. Do I have some sort of fatal flaw, something in my chemical makeup that predisposes me to this kind of treatment? I'm the proverbial bald chicken in the hen house, the one that has been pecked and plucked practically to death. I feel ugly and exposed. The ultimate loner. My emotions fluctuate between anger and frustration. I walk a tightrope between retaliation and resignation.
I keep having flashes of my childhood, of not getting along with people and people just seeming not to like me, starting with my own brother. Am I wearing a scarlet letter?
I do know people at work are intrigued by my embroidery and bead work. They stop to look and comment. I hear lots of "I could never do that" and "you're so creative and talented." I have a job with a lot of downtime some nights, between checking in patients and answering the phone. I'm allowed to read, write or stitch when we're not busy. And so I do. I stitch away.
I've been told before my demeanor is intimidating, my intelligence is intimidating, my abilities in arts and crafts and writing are intimidating, my self confidence is intimidating, etc... Do I wreak of intimidation? It's true, I don't need to be surrounded by people like some do. I am by nature independent and a free thinker. But I've tried to get to know people. I've been friendly and inquisitive. I've tried my darnedest to do a good job. However, now I feel spoiled on the whole thing.
A few of the unfriendlies have warmed up to me lately, which is certainly a surprise to me. What I find, though, is that after an entire year of cold shoulders their consessions are too little way too late.
I'm about to start a new venture in the hospital, that of massage therapist for their health and exercise department. I really want to transition into this new job where I'll be working with both employees and the public. But I'm worried the haters will try to ruin it for me, somehow mess it up and prevent me from moving on. However, I realize I can do nothing to stop them and I must keep moving on. Praying and moving on...and stitching.
Tonight at work I put some finishing touches on a cq Christmas cracker. All that's left is to tie on some ribbon. I also finished the stiching on a very small ornament made from a scrap of cq fabric, the same as the cracker piece. I tried a stich I saw on one of Sharon B's crazy quilt patches. It's a kind of continuous running bullion stitch. I love it. Hers is made out of variegated thread and so is mine, but she zigzagged her stitches whereas I went in a straight line. I like hers better, of course, and want to try it again with a stiffer or thicker thread.
In the center I made three star or snowflake type shapes using lazy daisies in gold buttonhole twist. Then I filled each "petal" with a bullion stitch using the same thread for the running bullion stitch. I really like the way it looks and how the bullion flowers/snowflakes/stars - whatever they are! - stand up off the fabric. This little two-inch tall ornament was originally going to be a two-sided diamond shape, but instead I'm going to lay it out flat, put a matching fabric backing on it and edge it in trim. I also want to make some tiny tassels for the points.
The fabric is a mottled gray/lavender with a shiny green snowflake-like print - very unusual and hard to describe. (I've had this fabric for 13 years! I bought it when I worked at Hancock Fabrics and purchased quite a few yards of it. Its first life was as curtains, but I still have some scraps left!) The variegated thread is burgandy, green, purple and cream. Adding the tassels reminds me of the bedouin and Mongolian camels adorned with those fabulous strings of colorful tassels.
If I have time, I'd like to try some inchies and maybe give them away for Christmas. I could turn them into ornaments or decorative pins. They might make sweet little gifts.
Ah, the beauty of creativity. The estrangement I found in my own family led me to it in the first place. The same is true today. Enmeshed in a project I forget all about my troubles, just as I've done right now.
I'll try to add some photos soon.
Add a Comment
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Comment by FlowerLady on October 15, 2011 at 6:52 -
I know this post is years after this has happened but I just read it and hope and pray you've moved on to a better work place that you enjoy. The massage therapist sounds very nice to me. I'm not a MT, but I do enjoy a good massage, and know that it is hard work, but it is oh so healing.
I think 'jealousy' has a lot to do with how people treat each other, and that leads them to feeling intimidated.
Needlework is a wonderful stress reliever, and gardening is too, which is another love of mine.
Wishing you the best in all areas of your life.
FlowerLady
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Comment by Pam Kellogg on December 21, 2008 at 13:59 -
I hope I'm not being presumptuous but I may be able to help you with your "lousy job" dilemma. If you're open to some help and some new ideas, you may be able to turn it into an excellent job. Or perhaps, find a different job that you really love. It's entirely up to you, I'm not selling anything, this is simply an offer from one stitcher to another to chat in email a bit and see if we can't work through some of your job complaints. If you would like to get a feel for my approach to life, please feel free to visit my blog. If you decide you would like to chat with me, you can email me at pamkellogg at kittyandme dot com. If you would rather not, that's ok. I wish you peace and Happy Stitching, Pam
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Comment by Judy B on December 19, 2008 at 22:34 -
Go, Girl! Regardless of the outcome, you have done something important for your own self esteem, and it will possibly help others in the department. Have a great holiday period, and may the new year be wonderful for you!
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Comment by MichelleMermaid on December 19, 2008 at 21:09 -
Hi amathers!
It is always so nice to talk to one who can commiserate with my own circumstances! After a year of just taking it, more or less (part of that was due to being new and not wanting to get myself fired!) I've written a formal complaint addressing two specific people who were big abusers.
My complaint is being "circulated" among the powers that be, so we'll see what happens.
I have to say, it feels good to get some of that off my chest. I was very objective with what I wrote. Today, after a brief meeting with one of my supervisors, I realized that my standing up for myself is doing a lot for the department. This is a part of the hospital that is typically looked down upon and it's taken someone like me to help in the rights department.
I hope it continues to go well. Thank you for your thoughts.
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Comment by amathers on December 12, 2008 at 0:46 -
I have just read your story and it looks exactly the same as my story two years ago. Boy, do I know what it feels like to have an undeserved target on your back. And yes, it is because insecure people in positions of relative power feel intimidated by all of your best qualities. It preys on your self esteem and it's called bullying. Don't let the cowards undermine your fine qualities (nobody deserves this treatment!). This is precisely what they're out to do so that they can feel safe and protected, but they're grasping for an artificial lifering. This behaviour is psychologically destructive, so I am pleased to hear you're moving to another job in the new year. Quite literally, life is too valuable to stay among people like this. I recommend seeking professional help, because these people see this over and over again and can help you keep your head above water. You most definitely are not alone -- I swear it's a silent epidemic in the workplace. I took a 6 month break (with the support of my doctor) and then found a new job where people are completely trhilled with those same qualities that others found so 'intimidating'. I feel like I won the lottery. Good luck!
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Comment by MichelleMermaid on November 26, 2008 at 22:35
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Hi Sharon and Judy!
I think the journal thing is a great idea. I was just thinking that I need to get back to journaling or meditation or more walking and yoga, something to get me centered again. I've gotten so busy I've quit doing a lot of my self-care and I think it makes a big difference!
It's funny because it was just announced at work that I'm taking over the massage office at the first of the year and it seems like suddenly I became a more valuable employee in my department. At least the boss is making efforts to be nice and actually speaking to me now. Guess she's worried I might quit and leave her high and dry! I just might. :)
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!
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Comment by Sharon Chapman on November 25, 2008 at 13:01 -
I went through a hard time on a job once and here is what I did. I started a small journal in which I could only write about something good that happened to me that day. Just one thing. I made the journal and put a lot of work into its design. So when I would sit down to write I would only put good things into it. Some days were harder than others, but each day I found something. I would go back and read it every now and then, and I would smile, sometimes laugh, but it always made me feel good. It was something I did for myself. I treasure it. Try it. I just know it will help. As for these "unfriendlies" think what a sad and negative life they live. Do you really think they like themselves very much. I think not. We must feel sorry for them.
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Comment by Judy B on November 19, 2008 at 15:01
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I read this post last night a couple of hours before I went to bed, I have slept on it, and still cannot get my head around the idea that intelligence is intimidating.
I just hope that one day soon you can stitch just because it is something you enjoy doing, not because it it an escape from rude, ignorant, bullying people.
Best wishes with the new job! Someone in your workplace respects you enough to want you elsewhere, so hang on to that thought.
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